Taylor Swift Admits Shopping ‘Unfortunate’

Taylor Swift and her clothing

Mizz Taylor Swift is in a terrible pickle. It’s almost shop-or-hide time for the dear child. How many dresses does this poor thing have now?

“Hundreds. Because I’m in a predicament where I can’t wear a dress twice or else it’s pointed out in magazines, so”—she starts laughing—”unfortunately I have to shop for dresses all the time.”

Does Mizz Snarkity Snark have the least bit of sympathy for this poor creature? Of course! MSS is painfully aware of the stress and strain that celebrity can bring to one of such a tender age.

Never mind that we celebrities make reee-DONK-ulous bushels of money for our talents, sponsorships, appearances and endorsements, and for dating former famous people’s grandchildren and then writing songs about the breakups. La!—all part of the price we pay when celebrity waves its evil magic wand.

Mizz Taylor Swift, Take Heart!

But, even as Mizz Snarkity Snark is feeling your pain, dear Mizz Taylor Swift, she is offering a solution. Back during the last century, and perhaps even before! the service of talented people called “Personal Shoppers” became available to those of us burdened with our celebrity.

Petrified of encountering a paparazzi or ten, we celebrities send this intrepid souls off into shopping hell on our behalf, measurements and preferences in hand and armed with appropriate funds. There, these brave sorts will shop tirelessly, returning with frocks of every wonderment and delight for our unending pleasure.

Better to Give than to Receive

For those terrible dread days when your closet overflows with all those dresses you can only wear once, there are places which will take your spare hardly-even-ever-used garments —and MSS faints at the thought of the accumulated value— and donate them to those who aren’t in position to date millionaires.

So, see, Mizz Taylor Swift? There is hope! You’ve no need to shoulder this burden all on your lonesome. Your adoring public is ready, willing and able to assist!

Read more: Taylor Swift Interview – Taylor Swift Quotes on Career and Love – Harper’s BAZAAR

Much love to each of you. Especially Mizz Taylor Swift, who is by all accounts one savvy businesswoman and who probably already knows all about Personal Shoppers. But, hey, wouldn’t be Mizz Snarkity Snark if she didn’t take advantage of every opportunity to educate!

Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez Split, Dog Custody Limbo

the world is ending
Justin Bieber holds up models at Victoria's Secret show

Justin Bieber holds up two exhausted models after their grueling appearance at the Victoria’s Secret show (Credit: Zimbio)

After two years of dating, Justin Bieber, 18, and Selena Gomez, 20, call it quits, according to close sources comprised of half of Twitter. Speculation runs rampant over the cause of the breakup, with some rumor sources citing ‘irreconcilable differences.’

It is completely coincidental that these rumors came to light after Bieber was spotted at The Lion King on Broadway in the same city as  a group of people including Victoria’s Secret model, 19-year-old Barbara Palvin and possibly a few hundred other people that Justin Bieber is not dating.

Mizz Snarkity Snark believes the breakup had more to do with the fact that  they’ve been dating for two years, and they’re both basically teenagers. Hello…

Interview Clues from Justin Bieber Sept 2010 Interview

“The Internet is not just Canadian; it’s not just American – it’s world wide,” Bieber pointed out in reference to being called a member of the Internet Generation by mojo.com . ” – I have international fans. Like I have fans in Brazil and, like, Austria, and, like, little places that I’ve, like, never heard of before.”

“How do you see yourself evolving as an artist as you get older?” – mojo.com

“I mean, I’m gonna get taller, grow a mustache…” – the biebster

Celeb, Twitter Crowd Comments on Bieber Breakup

the world is ending

We’re doomed. Justin Bieber is breaking up.

“hey everyone. please calm down. he is all yours!! :) please :)” – Barbara Palvin

“OMG the world is ending!!!!” – Brandon Cyrus

“Who?” – anyone over 40, everywhere

Oh, stop it. He’s a mere lad, with lamentable hair that’s either falling down or falling up, and a voice that’s probably changing even as we speak. Give the poor boy a break and let him date someone in peace—or break up with someone with some level of privacy.

The custody part is who’s going to get to take care of Baylor, the husky rescue puppy adopted in Winnipeg in October.

Much love to each of you. Remember when you were 18? Get back to me on just how fun breaking up was.

Howard the Stern Out-Snarks Mizz Snarkity Snark

Howard Allan Stern, Snarkmeister

Howard Stern, Master of Le Snark, has found his new playground, his deck of jokers, his raison d’etre, his — well, you decide.

Howard Allan Stern, Snarkmeister

The Snarkmeister hizself, Mr Howard Allan Stern, turns to take another chomp out of the audience during elimination rounds. “Best tasting audience EVER.” (Photo: 2012 Episode 20 Quarter-Finals, broadcast by NBC.)

Wandering the hallowed halls of YouTube, Mizz Snarkity Snark found a stack of America’s Got Talent episodes just barely beginning to curl at the edges. Being drawn to exhibitions of talent like a magpie to a pocket full of lint-encrusted breath mints, MSS was compelled to settle in and watch a few.

AGT Archives Snark in a Can

Imagine her joy when she discovered that this stack of episodes dates back to when radio snarkmeister Howard Stern joined AGT as judge — O happy happy joy joy! As television broadcasts of this century have the lifespan of a mayfly, these could be days, weeks or even MONTHS old.

MSS settled down for an evening of reminiscence, episode after episode unfurling in wobbly smartphone video with Grandpa Morty snoring two-part harmony in the background.

Auditions in cities across these United States of America overflow with fresh victims, many of whom are not quite sure what radio IS, who are tossed before Radio’s famous Tall One as popcorn before a giant pigeon, snacks to appease His Snarkiness.

He Likes It. He Really Likes It!

Once auditions got out of the way and the lineup was in the bag, Stern spent most of his on-camera time being angry, being bored, being bored with being angry, or being angry at being bored. Imagine MSS’ shock, therefore, when Stern opens an episode of AGT quarter-finals with the phrase, “I imagine this could be our best show yet.”

WHAT?! Did Howard the Stern just admit that he enjoyed something?

Was that a smile? or was he just opening his considerable jaws to devour another contestant? On those rare occasions when he unwinds his 6’5″ self and rises at the end of an act, is he standing to get a better bite?

Mizz Snarkity Snark enjoys a good snark as much as the next ego-inflated not-much-of-a-celebrity of the Interwebs, mind you. But MSS winces to watch an overly stern Stern wielding his patented Snark Smackdown on a six-year-old who just wants to tap-dance and make Mommy smile.

AGT’s Future: Snark Tank or Back in Bland?

Has Howard Allan Stern’s well-honed snark attack has improved AGT? Has this AGT season set the tone for the future of this national pastime of embarrassing reality shows? Better yet, will every reality show now get its own snark specialist?

Number 34. Stop. You run like a girl. I have chickens in my front yard run better than you. No, I DON’T care that you ARE a girl. Get off my stage now. (This is not an actual quote. Don’t sue MSS. Thanks.)

Or is it time for Stern to take his considerable wealth to Shark Tank and sit next to the considerable wealth of Mark Cuban, where he can dine on more entrepreneurial fare?

Or maybe he could produce his own reality show. It worked for The Donald. Or —better!— his own network. Howard’s End. The logo can be the impaled head of an reality show contestant. But MSS digresses.

Your opinions on this matter will have as much weight as Mizz Snarkity Snark’s and will be listened to just as intently at AGT’s management level. Besides, MSS (who is not Mizz Sharon Osbourne in disguise) would absolutely LOVE to hear what you think!

Much love to each of you, even as Uncle Howie takes a bite out of your talented self.

Superstorm Sandy Announces Name Change, Future Plans

Day Two of Sandy

Hurricane Sandy has changed names every few hours since her arrival on this nation’s celebrity radar. Yesterday we heard this lovely federal disaster called Hurricane Sandy, Cyclone Sandy, Post-Tropical Cyclone Sandy, and -as of this morning- Superstorm Sandy.

Day Two of Sandy

Day two of Superstorm Sandy which, by any name, is turning out to be a federal disaster.

This morning in a surprise announcement, Superstorm Sandy announced that

  • she now wishes to be known as Krystal Kat,
  • she intends to be adopted as the eleventh Kardashian,
  • she’s dating a hunky waterspout named Stu that she met off Bermuda,
  • and she plans to settle in Nashville.

I’d TOTALLY live there! I just LOVE that new TV show with Hayley Panini and the old lady from Cornwall in Britain.

Rumors of an international tour began circulating shortly after Kat’s whirlwind tour of the Great Lakes region, which sent rogue waves crashing over lake shorelines and hastily erected crowd barriers.

The storm formerly known as Superstorm Sandy refused to answer MSS and her press minions when asked about plans for future performances or press releases in the works. So far, no firm date has been set for Kat’s arrival in Canada for more than brief performances and limited overnight stays.

Stu and I totally ROCK hats and boots. We’re getting matching ankle tattoos this weekend!

Attempts at post-appearance fan interviews and crowd response broadcasts have been only marginally successful, as Superstorm Sandy, aka Krystal Kat, is known to leave her audiences feeling a bit powerless.

Much love to each of you. Don’t eat life too seriously, or you’ll get a tummy ache.

Glitter Arrested in Savile Child Sexual Abuse Scandal

Gary Glitter arrested on suspicion
Gary Glitter arrested on suspicion of child sexual abuse in scandal

Bad Glitter.

Former glam rock star Gary Glitter was arrested in London today on suspicion of involvement in a 40-year-long child sexual abuse scandal along with BBC host Jimmy Savile. Glitter has a history of child sex offenses and was imprisoned in 2006 on those charges.

Why is he out again?

Over 400 leads in the Savile case are now being followed up by Scotland Yard. Glitter’s is the first arrest of a suspect in the scandal. Savile died in 2011 at age 84.

Mizz Snarkity Snark thinks there is but one punishment appropriate for those who are PROVEN to have participated in child sexual abuse: Life imprisonment.

There is no excuse. No “waahh poor me I was raised in an abusive household,” no “the devil made me do it.” No sniveling. No contrition. Oh, yes. No parole, either.

The child bears the scars for life. So should you. You do not have the right to offer excuses for harming a child for life.

Much love to each of you. Always. Except you, Gary Glitter.

Kate Plus or Minus Eight

Kate Gosselin as seen on the Katie show
Kate Gosselin as seen on the Katie show

Kate Gosselin on the Katie show

 I value each of you & appreciate your kind encouraging words! I often read your quotes or comments to me and smile! Thnx! – Kate Gosselin via Twitter

Did this tweetness have something to do with Kate’s release from CouponCabin, or her daughter Mady’s suggestion that she should run for President of the United States? or perhaps her nude reality show hosting offer on VividTV? or something else entirely not on Mizz Snarkity Snark’s radar?

Mizz Snarkity Snark is a firm believer in the concepts of Karma. MSS will not be voting for Mizz Gosselin for President of the United States, the local PTA, or even an existing Kate Gosselin fan club. Not even if MSS receives a free t-shirt. MSS declares that her vote cannot be bought.

Much love to each and every one of you. Seriously. No bribe.