Mayan Doomsday Calendar Wrong, World Ended April 15 2012

coffee for maya, not angelou
coffee for maya, not angelou

I’ll have…
One for my baby, and one more…
For the road.

World End Revealed to be April 15, 2012

The date scheduled for the world end has been recalculated yet again, this time possibly by rocket scientists who should know how to do these things.

An Anonymous Source told this reporter yesterday that, as recently as two nights ago, he has repeatedly found overwhelming evidence of the new world end date  in several of his coworkers’ offices. “April 15 were circled in red on lots of different calendars, and every April 16th was missing. I just knowed something was up!”

In the words of a NASASA janitor sanitation engineer who asked to remain anonymous, the world end event happened on April 15 earlier this year.

“It were pretty awesome,” stated Joe Smit… Anonymous Source. “There was a loud bang out in the parking lot thar near the south exit, and then shiny stuff just were flying everywhere.”

When asked by this reporter whether it might have been the filming of a GLEE episode or an auto accident, Anonymous shook his head. “I know both them things. Watched Glee for years. T’weren’t no slurpee attack. Just awesome.” MSS resisted grammar lessons, attributing the lapse to extreme stress.

World End Party Invitations in Fire Sale Bins Everywhere

Within minutes of the news of the world end rescheduling, dozens of websites felt the impact as disgruntled shoppers cancelled invitation cards and party trays.  MSS cautions Doomsday Preppers to hold off grabbing that last vanload of Charmin, at least until confirmation is obtained.

Has your world end party been cancelled? Send any pesky leftover bottles of champagne to Mizz Snarkity Snark, who will keep them safe for you. Honest. No, really.

Mizz Snarkity Snark predicts that many world end parties are destined to be doomed by more than a mere low-atmospheric explosion, and are going to fall flat, as much fun as being stuck in a small room with an aging cat with bad flatulence.

Millions of Credit Scores Drop

An estimated 244 million naive souls have hoarded vacation days for a few years, maxed out their credit cards, and taken out second and third mortgages on their house, laboring under the delusion that since the world is ending they won’t have to pay the funds back.

World End Contingency Plans

If the world end does not come off as originally scheduled, Mizz Snarkity Snark suggests you develop a conservative Plan B which does not involve rioting, looting, raucous partying and other unsavory behavior. There will be plenty of time for that on New Years Eve, ten days after the purported Mayan Doomsday Long-Count Calendar cutoff. Assuming there’s power.

Much love to each of you. Use your brains, dearest dahlings. They’re for more than keeping our ears from flapping together. 

Segway Victim Awarded $10 Million

Segway footsie

Enticing a rider into an obstacle course while wearing a blindfold is not going to help their confidence and make the sale.

Where’s that seat-belt, mister? Don’t you know how dangerous gravity can be?

Segway Should Know Better

Mizz Snarkity Snark is appalled that Segway employees would set up an obstacle course of this nature and compel college students to run through it without adequate protection.

With a top speed of 10 MPH (12.5 MPH  for the second generation model), whiplash is a very real concern. You could put your eye out!

Segway Employees Should Know Better

Highly skilled rocket scientists in the employ of this top-secret “transpo-toy factory” on the Eastern Seaboard should know that, with the exception of post-doc thesis writers, college students are too distracted to master Segway maneuvering in a five-minute rundown of blindfolded instruction. Even a monkey needs a full 15 minutes.

Segway’s own Safety guidelines declare that wearing a helmet is one of the Knows (Segway-speak for rules?)

Know the Knows of the Segway PT:

  • Know how the machine operates
  • Know your riding environment
  • Know to wear a helmet and to use good judgment while riding
  • No knows = No rides

Ten Million Bucks Should Know Better

Ten million is almost exactly half of 20 million, a very knowledgeable number.

Ten million, although an even number, feels a bit odd in the presence of billions, trillions, trilliums, and tribbles.

Ten million buckarubles would easily provide an entire African village much-needed zithers, boating hats, refrigerator magnets, and chewing gum.

A College Student Should Know Better

Gee, it could be really fun to hop onto a moving object without a helmet and with a blindfold. I bet I could do this in Dad’s Ford, too!

Someone who made it into college would, MSS hopes, have the candlepower to figger this out.

While Segway certainly bears a massive amount of blame in this, including hiring really stupid people to set up demos, someone who’s attending college should have the brainpower of more than a box of oatmeal and have discerned that this stunt is a Really Bad Idea.

(In all seriousness, it seems just and fair to MSS that Segway should pay to bring security to this young man’s future, in light of their employees’ staging of the risky product demonstration.)

Much love to each of you. Please use common sense, or borrow some. Wear your seat-belts.

Marijuana Losing Status as Evil Scary Gateway Drug

marijuana leaf

Marijuana became legal in Washington State while nobody was looking.

marijuana leaf

Marijuana leaf. Not oregano.

Mizz Snarkity Snark was tickled green to see I-502 pass while everybody was shouting about all the big ticket ballot items like Obama versus Romney, Ryan versus Biden, FEMA versus Big Bird, paper versus plastic.

Legalizing marijuana is the end of civilization, said nobody, anywhere, ever.

Medical Marijuana Users May Lose Quite a Few “Best Friends”

What astounds MSS more than how long it has taken to legalize pot -somewhere- is how many purportedly broke governmental entities had not figured out how to monetize marijuana already.

A dozen wars could be funded by taxes raised on the backs of the pot industry. (Although just how many people would actually feel up to going off and fighting them is a question for another day. Duuude. Fight..? oh nooo, we don’t need to fight, dude.)

Save Oregano Harvests

Proactive education will lead to informed consumers who will no longer be at risk of getting caught with their rolling papers full of the wrong sort of ‘herb.’ Those who used to make a healthy living off selling lawn clippings to the neophyte marijuana-wannabe consumer will find themselves laughed off the street corner.

Legitimize Marijuana Cottage Industries

No longer will furtive growers have to hide their crops in national and state parks, and there will be no more call to have to sneak their harvest out on dangerous midnight “hay runs.”

There will, of course, need to be a new take on impairment laws, dependence counseling, a whole new spider web of help lines. New cautionary tales and urban legends will need to be made up, vetted through Snopes.com and spread appropriately.

But MSS is sure there are eager ready-to-be-employed persons up for the grueling task. There’ll be taxes and regulations to write, new lecture circuits to plan, a major shift in acceptance to orchestrate.

Billboards to deploy. “True Facts” pamphlets to write and distribute. School campaigns to choreograph. Quality assurance testing! Tourism to manage and monetize!

Of course, MSS speculates wildly and has no idea what she’s talking about.

Much love to each of you. Stay thirsty, my friends.

NYSE Plummets as Sky is Falling Rumors Abound

stocks drop post-election
stocks drop post-election

Stocks took a lemming-like dive off the cliff after election results catch pundits off balance. Ignore the rumors.

Earlier this morning, Mizz Snarkity Snark saw a post on The Book of Faces that said, to wit:

HEADS UP PEOPLE STOCK MARKETS GOTTA MAJOR SELL OUT AND IS DOWN OVER 13,000 poInts

Considering that the warriors of Wall Street are temporarily disarmed by the news that Romney will not be buying the New York Stock Exchange as had been so eagerly anticipated, a bit of exaggeration is understandable.

Rumor Plus Gossip Does Not Equal Gospel

But, please. MSS hastens to remind would-be rumormongers that there are persons out there so completely wrapped up in believing anything they see on the Book of Faces and the Interwebs that they will see that “NYSE Down 13000 points” and be entirely convinced that it is true, without having the mental agility to Check The Facts.

Quick Lesson in Truth in Headlines vs Rumor

Here’s a handy guide to help decipher the outrageous news from the factual:

TRUTH -> USGS Reports 7.4 Quake in Guatemala

RUMOR -> Stock Exchange Drops 13000 Points

TRUTH -> Obama Wins Second Term

RUMOR -> Republicans Storm White House, Set Oval Office on Fire

TRUTH -> Colorado Legalizes Marijuana

RUMOR -> Colorado Donates 54 Tons of Marijuana to Georgetown University for Disaster Relief

Got it? Good show. Thanks for helping. This is the sort of out-of-control newsing that gives media a bad name and causes random runs on toilet paper at the local grocery.

Much love to each of you. Please keep the little ones away from headline news sources for the next day or so.

 

Angry Guy plus Motorized Wheelchair plus Elevator Shaft

Screen Shot 2012-11-01 at 12.44.17 AM


Motorized wheelchair plus angry guy plus no patience equals trip down elevator shaft. Wheelchair vs elevator shaft. Guess who wins.

Mizz Snarkity Snark thinks there are times when commentary is completely unnecessary, but welcomes YOUR comments in the specially designed space below.

Much love to each of you. Please do not try this at home or in your wheelchair. This Darwin award has been claimed already.