Mizz Snark HAARPs about the Weather

statue-of-liberty-66948_640
statue-of-liberty-66948_640

Not the view from Fifth Avenue that Haversham and I could recall.

Dahling! It’s been positively Les Misérables the past few months, stranded aboard the Lurssen yacht that Haversham chartered from Fraser out of Monaco, drifting aimlessly from one swarthy Mediterranean port to the next to the next to the next, thankfully beset upon by financial pirates only twice.

Nobody on the crew could figure out how to move the Bentley off the helipad after Antoine lost the keys in some silly scuba outfit with at least 50 pockets. We were trés désolé until our worthy Captain Petrus had the poor thing airlifted to Cannes. The Bentley; not Antoine.

Seriously, my dearest dahling. One can consume only so much Champagne, lamb kebab, Ouzo, hand-caught fresh seafood, roast suckling pig, Sardinian pecorino, Kalamata olive tampenade, couscous, hummus and antipasto before one goes absolutely stark raving MAD. And it RAINED! Every day except for the ones when it didn’t.

But we survived the harrowing ordeal—and I’m back into my normal size two frocks (hate me… you MUST, I know!), thanks to thrice-daily Pilates and morning Bikram Yoga sessions with my adorable trainer Hugo and his companion, the incomparable Stardust McNeil. Geniuses, I swear it!

Oh. Yes. Weather. What’s all this pishposh about ‘Global Warming’, anyway? The ice is melting and shall drown New York within the decade? I saw pictures taken just last week on Fifth Avenue, and nothing looked underwater in the slightest! Terribly out of season style-wise, but isn’t it just?

Speaking of pictures, dahling! You did so promise to write, and I watched for your missives every day from the observation deck of the yacht. Not one single bottle floated by, with or without a note from you! Alas. I am so abandoned.

Nevertheless, we’ll be turning in the yacht tomorrow or at least sometime this week, picking up the new jet in Portugal… Peru? Panama? I forget exactly.

Then, much as I’d LOVE to be heading stateside, it’s off to Sao Paulo for a wee bit of business, followed by a fortnight of blissful relaxation in the Galapagos to recuperate. The weather should be lovely this time of year, assuming no more tornados or tsunamis or whatever they call them in the South Pacific.

Haversham sends his undying love.

MWAH!

Much love to you. Miss you so much! Mean it!!

Letter from a Broad

Haversham and I are still honeymooning at a leisurely pace, soon to land in Antigua, or is that Amsterdam, Atlanta?
Haversham and I are still honeymooning at a leisurely pace, soon to land in Antigua, or is that Amsterdam, Atlanta?

Haversham and I are still toiling away through our cruise at a leisurely pace, soon to land in Antigua, or is that Amsterdam? Atlanta? Atlantis?

Dahling! I have missed you so, these past few months – or has it been days? Time loses its grip when one is not paying attention.

You were, of course, in my thoughts while we watched the migrating flocks of panda south of Helsinki, basked in the dulcet perpetual moonlight on the beaches of Antarctica, and scaled the notable glaciers of Okefenokee. (I swear I shall never hike in open-toe Louboutins again!)

And -YES!- you crossed my mind so vividly as I sipped a delicate Chardonnay within the well appointed tea room of the Saint Septimus Stygius Borgia Whoever-that-was Chapel somewhere east of Vatican City last week —or was it February? Did you know that it doesn’t snow much at all in the Mediterranean region in August? I was shocked, I tell you. And here we were all prepared for a lovely ski break in Malta.

And when crossing back across the Bering Strait on the 4pm ferry, watching the wild smoked salmon leap their way to freedom atop the backs of gracefully paddling polar lizards, how could I not think of you, my dearest darling?

I swear I haven’t been able to write a WORD since that dreadful election scandal. I canceled all our magazines and newspapers so we wouldn’t have to read a whit of gossip and backbiting from dear old hometown Beverly Hills California US of A, which of course we miss terribly.

Haversham and I were simply devastated to hear about the utterly ridiculous healthcare situation you have been enduring. Please do get better soon. Anti-socialized medicine is such a bore.

And do stay in touch, dahling!  While we’re still making our way around the globe, I’ve made arrangements for a young lad to run missives to and from the port authority offices when (IF) we land. Your letters will surely catch up to me soon.

MWAH!

Much love to you. Miss you so much! Mean it!!

Entirely Too News, CyberMonday Edition – 26 November 2012

Sour grapes, anyone? Or is the news just not setting too well on a sensitive tun?Image courtesy of [image creator name] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sour grapes, anyone?
Want some cheese with that whine, MSS?

Mizz Snarkity Snark continues this newly beloved tradition of highlighting news features of the past few moments with a special CyberMonday Edition.

We Don’t Like News Any More Than You Do

Pope’s states monk calculation blunder causes Jesus’ birthdate inaccuracy (CNN, 11/22/12)

In other news: Pope rep says “The Pope is a traditional man and he doesn’t want people at all to change their traditions.” Therefore, December 25th is still widely recognized as pagan holiday, Winter Solstice, and birthday to thousands of rather pissed-off kids.

Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Liz & Dick’ gets slammed by critics, celebrities (Fox News, 11/26/12)

In other news: “She was shooting Liz & Dick, for Pete’s sake. She couldn’t have been driving that car!” alibi reduces threat of Lohan jail sentence. Critics wonder if ‘Liz & Dick’ is being counted toward three strikes.

iPad Wins 88% of Black Friday Tablet Traffic (Mashable, 11/26/12)

In other news: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn referrals accounted for 0.34% of online sales. MSS invites you to draw your own conclusions, but wonders (to herself, of course) whether focusing on 88% of 0.34% of online sales will reveal anything more than that somebody, somewhere, used an iPad or something similar to buy some car polish off Amazon on Friday.

Mexico’s President Calderon seeks to change country’s name to Mexico (BBC News, 11/22/12)

In other nuevos: “We’re sailing down to Acapulco in United Mexican States this weekend!” said nobody, ever.

Tom Ricks to Fox News: The network operates ‘as a wing of the Republican Party,’ calls Benghazi ‘hyped.’ Fox Network cuts interview short.(Live on Fox News, 11/26/12)

In other news: Hunts for the last unbiased media outlet remain fruitless, pointless, aimless. “All newspapers and television broadcasters are biased in some way – large or small, including my own. I lean toward kitten pictures, not puppies,” MSS admitted in a statement this morning at the local wine tasting brunch gathering near the Camembert.

Much love to each of you. Jon Stewart has nothing to worry about, trust me. Tell him yourself if you feels he needs the reassurance.

 

Image courtesy of satit_srihin/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Far Too Much News, Saturday Edition – 24 November 2012

New York Snark masthead
New York Snark masthead

All the news that’s fit to print, and some that really isn’t but we’ll print it anyway.

Warning: News. More warning: Serious snark in response to news.

Mizz Snarkity Snark senses that you are just not upset enough about news in general these days. Therefore, MSS has decided to publish a news capsule covering the week in hindsight — because publishing a news capsule to cover the week in advance is not particularly productive. So without further ado:

All the Interesting Weekly News in Retrospect (& Other News)

Elderly Oceanside CA man accused of killing wife and cooking her body parts. Wife’s head found in freezer. (laist.com, 11/23/12)

In other news: Auditions are being held nationwide for Extreme Makeover: Walking Dead, merging horror with cutting edge reality series. Ty Pennington reps no comment.

Gas rationing slated to end in New York City. Rationing system put in place to try to ease enormous lines at gas stations that did have gas. (The New York Times, 11/23/12)

In other news: Encouraged by gas rationing success, Mayor Bloomberg considers other rationing, based on odd-even birthdays. In discussion: coffee, taxicabs, dog walking.

Walmart workers protest wages, benefits on Black Friday; stage walkouts (CBS News, 11/23/12)

In other news: Lime green shirts disdained in clash with brand colors, cites eyestrain, fatigue, visits from fashion police.

New Zealand wants a Hollywood put on its map.  (The New York Times, 11/23/12)

In other news: On hearing NZ demands, Madagascar cheers for itself in animation three-peat; requests Hollywood t-shirts, personalized beer mugs.

Woman drives 100 MPH in 30 MPH zone after God tells her to. (Huffington Post, 11/21/12).

In other news: shortly thereafter, God tells Ft. Pierce FL police officers to arrest reckless horn-honking female driver. 

Cost of Seceding from the United States [high] (Huffington Post, 11/20/12)

In other news: FEMA to NJ Gov Christie, “FEMA? What FEMA? You guys seceded, didn’t you?” Elsewhere, Fed to NY Gov Cuomo, “$30 billion in federal disaster aid? What federal? You guys seceded, didn’t you?”

Much love to each of you. Remember, news is old before you hear about it. Don’t let it steamroller you.

Linky

The place where you’ll begin to rule the world! or spread the snark.


We Have Power – Decidedly Snark-free

Generous Hoboken NJ
Generous Hoboken NJ

In case the picture is too small, the sign reads “We have power. Please feel free to charge your phone!”
That’s the way to roll, Hoboken. Many thanks to Russell Stainer and George Takei for bringing this into MSS’ viewing range.

Once in a rare moment, Mizz Snarkity Snark can shine the snarklight on something or someone decidedly non-snarky. Here’s to Hoboken NJ residents doing some community sharing and caring. MSS doesn’t think it was the fence’s idea, but WTG fence anyway.

Much love to each of you, especially the ones with neighborhood generosity.

No, MSS is not crying just a bit. Shut up.

Disclosure

d-script

In addition to the statement below, Mizz Snarkity Snark makes sure that you know that this is a HUMOR and ENTERTAINMENT site. No gerbils were harmed in the production of any materials herein. No permission has been sought or granted to lambast people in jest.

To be compliant with the FTC Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising, the following is the disclosure policy of snarkitysnark.com.

While all opinions about products on this site are that of Mizz Snarkity Snark, unless otherwise expressly stated, you should assume that Mizz Snarkity Snark has an affiliate relationship or other material connection to the providers of goods and services mentioned by, recommended, hyperlinked to, or otherwise referenced on Mizz Snarkity Snark.

In addition, you should assume that Mizz Snarkity Snark may be compensated monetarily or non-monetarily when you visit, purchase goods or services from, or take any other action on a third-party website mentioned by, recommended, hyperlinked to, or otherwise referenced on Mizz Snarkity Snark. You should always perform due diligence before buying any goods or services online or offline.

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Biography

Mizz Snarkity Snark
Mizz Snarkity Snark in her early years

A face to launch a thousand ships; a tongue to sink a thousand more.

I was born an only child, much to the dismay of my older brothers and twin sister. Mizz Snarkity Snark in an early radio interview

Snark, the Early Years

As a young child, Mizz Snarkity Snark was known as a quiet and polite child whose first name was Lisabeth-Anne.

Little mention has been made of her mother’s influence on little Lisabeth-Anne’s future profession. Before her unplanned departure for the silver screens of Hollywoodland, Mrs. Gertrude Hildegarde “Bitty” Snark delighted in holding weekly salons and teas in the parlor of their Victorian mansion in the rural climes of West Hampton. There, the gossips of the day gathered and refueled their tanks on champagne and slander.

Mother raised me to be a polite young lady, mindful of the feelings of others and considerate of persons of every position upon the social ladder.

Even as a toddler, she was a perfect angel, according to her doting father, who visited as frequently as once a month.  Servants and housekeepers in her parents’ employ mention little of the rapidly changing roster of governesses for the polite and quiet child, with a minor penchant for shredding wardrobes of clothes with her mother’s pinking shears.