The Truth about the Electoral College, Weed

electoral college explained

After so much divisive press and political chum on the shark-infested waters, Mizz Snarkity Snark is glad for a wee bright light in the post-election storm clouds.

Here, therefore, without further interruption, is the New York Times’ video guide to the Electoral College’s true impact on election results.

Stay Tuned for New, Even More Topical Snark

MSS promises to be back with typical topical acerbic wit — or half wit — before you run out of post-election kettle corn.

Needless to say, there will be plenty of snark to go around. Except in Colorado, where in a stroke of governmental genius, someone got marijuana onto the ballot – and it won. Is anyone taking bets on the population increase in Colorado next year? Housing starts? Employment rates?

Ganja Legislation, Meet Junk Food Reform

Nobody seems to have thought to combine this electoral magic with a balancing legislation pertaining to junk food. Can’t get too close to that perpetual motion machinery. No sirree. Bob. (Pass me those Fritos, dude. I’m STARving.)

MSS is not going to even try to explain that one, although she will not hesitate to cite a few of the hundreds of “Rocky Mountain High” jokes floating around at the approximate altitude of some of its smokers.

Much love to each of you. Thank you for not slaughtering each other in the post-election fog of war.

Ghost in the (Voting) Machine

suspicious voting machine behavior

What ho? Something or someone is sending remote messages through our electronic voting devices? Mizz Snarkity Snark cannot claim to be completely surprised, given the vulnerability of anything more sophisticated than a piece of cardboard and a pencil.

suspicious voting machine behavior

Note where the finger is pushing. Note what’s highlighting instead. Video suspicious voting machine behavior.

But there it is, voting on its own and ignoring the will of its voter.

Voting Hackery or Electronic Quackery?

Could it be hacked, or could it be something as innocuous as a loose plug or a poorly seated battery? Or could it be the latest peek above the sandline of the existence of a great pervasive all-encompassing government corruption, a plot to take over our very cities and states—Godzilla-like, Hurricane Sandy-like, Joan Rivers-like— penetrating our souls and making us giggle until we collapse from sheer exhaustion!?

Ok, maybe not.

Much love to each of you. Don’t let a mere voting machine tell you what you think. Complain. Gripe. Get out a gum wrapper and write your vote!

Vote Like You Mean It

Get the vote out, wear the sticker, offer a ride
Get the vote out, wear the sticker, offer a ride

I voted. Did you? Did you offer someone a ride to the polls? Good!

Those who read Mizz Snarkity Snark know perfectly well that she is an apolitical creature far more prone to expensive mornings at the hair salon getting her porcelain nails done and her hair permed than lurking around campaign headquarters looking for opportunities to staple reports and get coffee.

In fact, MSS is pretty dang disgusted with almost every presidency since Give ‘Em Hell Harry the Haberdasher Truman. Including the upcoming one, no matter who he is.

Harry won by being unpopular and determined to tell the American populace the truth, no matter how ouchy and uncomfortable and not-very-satiny things got.

Incarnations of Harry Truman, take note. The task of being elected is vastly more difficult with these pesky Interwebs spreading news faster than the speed of a bad case of diarrhea at a rubber chicken banquet. So a few rules apply:

  • Tell the truth. All of it. No matter how bad the taste.
  • Don’t pretend to know what you don’t.
  • Own and wear a good hat.
  • If there’s a war, be sorry we have to be there, not thrilled to deploy the War Machine.
  • Pray over every coffin of every man and every woman who can’t come back alive.
  • Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
  • Don’t make promises your successor can’t keep.
  • Visit people for coffee, and listen to them for longer than you talk to them.
  • Don’t blame the previous administration.
  • Make sure Congress knows they’re not being ignored.
  • Make sure Congress knows they need to work across the aisle no matter what.
  • Follow through.
  • Above all, be home for dinner every night and give thanks.

Small rules, but nobody every got in trouble for following them.

Much love to each of you. Vote like you mean it.

 

Florida Early Voting Stymied by Governor

Florida Governor Rick Scott

Speaking of over-the-top conditions, Mizz Snarkity Snark stumbled upon an article this evening about Florida early voting residents having to stand in line for eight, ten, even 12 hours while Florida Governor Rick Scott dug his heels in and refused to extend early voting hours. No, MSS does not know why.

Florida Governor Rick Scott

Florida Governor Rick Scott, official photo. Wikipedia

“Let them eat cake” -? No, MSS is not saying Governor Scott said that.

Wasn’t early voting supposed to make it easier to vote?

Florida. Florida… isn’t that the same place that had that voting scandal that required counting bits of Chad and small amounts of Nigeria in an effort to move the inventor of the World Wide Web into some sort of national office? Didn’t he also invent climate change?

“… election meltdown…” Dan Smith, a political science professor at the University of Florida called it.

Mizz Snarkity Snark would sincerely like to know what Governor Scott’s motivation is in all this delay. Will keeping people from voting be inclined to change their minds about something—or won’t it just make them mad?

Is Scott, a Republican, looking for some last-minute sea change in election trends that won’t happen if too many people get the chance to vote before dinner?

Would a Democratic Party counterpart also be dragging his (or her) heels on moves that would facilitate and encourage people to vote early – and often!? Heck, some areas work very hard to facilitate voting—dragging folks from all sorts of locations, like cemeteries and county hall record offices, to vote for the first time in centuries. Why should Floridians be denied the same opportunities?

We Know Hurricanes. So We Know Early Voting

Now, of course, the nation is aware that the East Coast is still in crisis – and who better to know about natural disasters than Florida residents and their political leadership. This is, after all, the same Florida Governor who announced in a press conference in August 2012 that “We know how to deal with hurricanes.” Really? Then early voting facilitation should be a piece of cake.

One would think that Florida, of all places, would be sensitive to the need for people to vote when possible and while the windows aren’t boarded up with plywood.

Add to that the tendency of 78% of the elderly population driving as if the entire state were a school zone, and — well, it’s a strong statement for early voting facilitation.

Quick, Do Your Early Voting Before the World Ends

Besides, MSS has to wonder, if the Mayans are really keeping on schedule, would any of this be necessary? Wasn’t the world supposed to end on December 21, 2012? That being the case, is early voting really our hot button concern?

Naturally, MSS doesn’t have both sides of the story. MSS doesn’t even have every bit of ONE side of the story, as MSS has been on the other side of the continent throughout this whole voting foo-farraw, and isn’t even registered to vote in Florida—so why she cares is really a matter of some interest.

But even if she were, Mizz Snarkity Snark would have done her early voting by putting her ballot in its official absentee envelope, attaching first-class USPS postage at whatever exorbitant rate is being charged this week, and dropped her vote into the US Mail.

Much love to each of you. And hope you recover from that case of heatstroke quickly, and find your towed car soon.

 

Cure for the Common Presidential Election

Wendell Wilkie

Presidential Campaign Malaise – or PCM – is a condition that cripples the last term year of a government’s administration. It can be considered chronic, in that it reinfects and re-attacks once every four years, to the detriment of all in contact with the infected host administration. So, in a presidential term running from, say, 2009 to 2012, the year 2012 is essentially worthless from a governing point of view.(1)

Wendell Wilkie

The very Presidential-looking hopeful Wendell Lewis Wilkie goes in the Also-Ran column. Wants to unravel (Photo: Graystone Studios Inc., ca 1940, digitized in Library of Congress. LC-USZ62-38331)

Do or do not… there is no try. Yoda.

In the private sector, this disease is often marked by a sharp uptick in television sales, in response to the number of shoes thrown through screens in response to the sharp uptick in political commercials – although advances in technology, including Corning® Gorilla® Glass, may cause a shift in this trend along with a corresponding uptick in replacement smartphone sales.

Change Presidential Term Limits

No human in his or her right mind is capable of unraveling four years (much less eight) of previous presidential presence in four years – or even eight.

We seem to be determined to keep electing humans, so this is not likely to change. Never mind that a cat could figure this out in five hours, between naps.

Fix: Presidential term limits are completely bass-ackwards. Make eight years a minimum term, not a maximum. Get in, fix stuff, keep it fixed. Take a note from reality shows. If you don’t do a good job, we vote you out. If you get into office and you turn out to be incompetent, dishonest, lazy, or a screw-up, we won’t vote you out – we’ll ride you out on a rail. No charge for tar and feathers. We’ll donate those to the cause, along with the rail.

No do-overs. If you get ridden out of town on a rail, stay gone. Don’t come back, even as (or especially as) a Senator.

Tie Presidential and Administrative Salaries to Performance

Budget balancing will happen if compensation for Federal officials is made (a) performance based or (b) commission based. What is 1% of $4 trillion, split 320 ways? After tax?

We’re the shareholders, we citizen of these United States of America. We get legible, reasonably accurate annual reports from our other investments. MSS would like one from her largest investment, please: USA Incorporated.

If a human handled their personal finances the way that some governments do, they’d have a credit score of 12 – and be in jail. Remember that, GAO, when it comes time to hand out Washington’s paychecks next month.

Repeatedly Running For Public Office

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

Also-rans: If you weren’t elected the second time you ran for public office, don’t apply again. Get a clue. Can’t find a clue? Take a marketing poll or do a survey before spending the money to run again. This should apply from City Dogcatcher on up to President.

Fun President Election Trivia

True or False? We’ve never had a Presidential Candidate named Rufus. (See hidden text at end of this rant for answer)

Most trivia is fun. MSS trivia is funner.

Balancing the Oval Office as well as the Budget

At this writing, we are missing D, I, Q, S, U, X, Y and Z from the alphabetical list of U.S. Presidents. When considering future candidates for the office, please keep these missing letters in mind, for the sake of future schoolchildren and their teachers.

Also, we’ve had too many H’s: Harding, Harrison, Harrison, Hayes, Hoover – and we’re dangerously close to having too many C’s: Carter, Cleveland, Clinton and Coolidge. In the interest of balance, we should discourage future candidates from those two alphabetical bins until the rest of the alphabet is represented properly.

We’ve got too many U.S. Presidents with six-letter (9) last names. We’re almost in as bad shape with eight-letter (8) and five-letter (7) last names.

We need to level this out. Presidential candidates with fewer than five letters or more than nine letters in their last names should be encouraged.

Exemptions to the Presidential Naming Rule

Rachel Maddow is an exception. If she decided to run for presidential office, MSS would vote for her no matter how many letters in her last name. Ditto presidential candidate Meryl Streep, who will not need a cabinet because she can play all the roles herself, (although MSS is ticked that she and Meryl are almost exactly the same age and Meryl looks SO much younger. Shh.).

However, candidates with more than eight letters in their last name may be charged more for campaign materials or asked to adopt a nickname to save on material costs (Eisenhower -> Ike, for example).

Encouraging Presidential Knowledgeware

In order to run for the office of President of the United States, you must be able to name each previous U.S. President in the proper order, the name of his or her Vice President (if any), the years of their administration, the name of their direct opponent, if any, and the name of their spouse or spouses (if any). For extra credit, know the name of each Administration’s china pattern. (No, MSS doesn’t know that either. Be quiet.)

We are standing at the precipice of History, overlooking the Abyss of another infection of Presidential Campaign Malaise, along with my other trite buzzwords MSS tried out before settling for those..

But, MSS fears, willing this presidential condition to change from the outside in is rather like willing a fire to go out. Good luck with that.

Much love to each of you. Honest. My not-at-all presidential fingers aren’t even crossed.

Highlight to reveal TF answer >>False. Rufus King, 1816, against James Monroe. <<

(1) Not all presidential terms are worthless in their last year. Some are worthless in many years preceding the last year. MSS can think of a few examples. Just sayin’.

Obama vs Romney Debate Dance-Off, Gangnam Style

Election Dance-off, Romney vs Obama
Election Dance-off, Romney vs Obama

Election Debate Dance-Off, Romney vs Obama.
Settle this like real men: On the dance floor.

 

Romney Style Obama Style

Let the Debate Dance-Off Begin

Gentlemen (and I use the term loosely):

Your moderator is Mizz Lisabeth-Anne “Snarkity” Snark, blogger and social commentarian. Each candidate has two minutes to answer their targeted debate question, in the key of C. Each debate question will be followed by one-minute responses in the key of F or the key of B-flat. The audience has agreed to keep applause, booing, tomato-tossing, commentary and snickering to a minimum for the duration of this debate.

And may the oddities be ever in your favor.
MSS

Debate Disclaimer

Hi. I’m Mizz Lisabeth-Anne “Snarkity” Snark, and I don’t approve of either of these messages.

Much love to y’all, and do whatever it takes to get out and vote. Even if you have to swim.

Disaster Relief Spending Immoral per Romney

Disaster spending immoral

While Mizz Snarkity Snark is not above taking the occasional soundbite out of context in order to make a point, there was no need today when, upon stumbling over this gem of an outtake in Grist.org, MSS discovered that Not-yet-Prez Romney stated today that Federal disaster relief spending is “immoral.”

Disaster relief spending immoral

Disaster relief spending immoral? Do presidential campaigns qualify as disasters? If that’s the case, MSS would agree. That’s immoral.

… What are we doing that we don’t have to do, and those things we’ve gotta stop doing. Mitt Romney @ on CNN 10/30/12

What HO! Surely Mr MR cannot be referring to the current state of the East Coast of these United States of America, mid- and post-Sandy, as unqualified for federal disaster relief. Perhaps he was banking on a few million voters being without power when he made this statement, so they would not be influenced to vote for The Other Guy.

Every time we have an occasion to take something from the Federal government, and send it back to the States, that’s the right direction. And if you can go even further and send it back to the private sector, that’s even better. Romney @ on CNN 10/30/12

NJ Sez: Please Send Some Immoral Disaster Relief ASAP

Let us ignore for the moment that several of those State levels to which Mr MR proposes sending that are teetering on the edge of imminent bankruptcy and diminishing tax potential.

Let us also ignore for the moment the number of private sector entities sitting without power at this moment within the teetering walls of New York City and could probably use some disaster relief themselves.  Wait. Let’s not ignore that.

Please note that MSS is not engaging in, nor offering to engage in, political debate. Recognizing the horror of that statement in the wake of Hurricane-Tropical Storm-Post-TS-Superstorm Sandy is not political. It’s humanitarian.

Much love to you all. Stay dry, stay warm, stay well.

Open Letter to Politicians Who Did Not Inhale

did not inhale

Dear Politician of unnamed political party, platform, stump & etc.:

did not inhale

did not inhale, honest

Mizz Snarkity Snark, being of no recognized political orientation whatsoever and playing no role in the government of any city, state, province or nation except that of concerned citizen, and certainly no Prohibitionist of any cloth, respectfully begs you to consider your response to the following question with the greatest of care:

Did you inhale?

Please answer either yes or no.

If your answer is no: You’ve disqualified yourself from serving in any federal, state or local public office, for you appear to be on a dangerously casual friendship with the truth. In fact, sir, you could be construed to be barely acquaintances of the Veritas Citizen.

not this weed

did not inhale this either

In this case, you may have been too far under the influence of whatever it was that you were “not inhaling” to recognize that inhalation falls outside of your control at certain times (like when you’re asleep).

To wit: If you had taken a large amount of oxygen into your mouth yet forgotten to inhale it, when you did remember to take said substance into your lungs, whatever was mixing into that substance would automatically be brought into your lungs as well, also known as “inhaling.”

If your answer is Yes: Congratulations. You have a better acquaintance with the truth than most of your political-minded compatriots and a far better chance of receiving my vote than they.

Good day, sir[1].

Much love to you all. Stay safe, dry and happy.

 

[1] Yes, that says “sir.” Women are far too intelligent enough to have denied inhalation in the first place, if applicable.
MSS

To Todd Akin, Extraterrestrial, re Legitimate Rape

Todd Akin, 109th Congress Photo
Todd Akin, 109th Congress Photo

Todd Akin, R-MO, Honorary Extraterrestrial

Well you know, people always want to try to make that as one of those things, well how do you, how do you slice this particularly tough sort of ethical question. First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.

Mizz Snarkity Snark is proud to award Mister Todd Akin with an Honorary Extraterrestrial Award and welcome him (it?) to Planet Earth. This planet is inhabited by a mixture of species, including Homo sapiens, which you indicated you may have met by now.

Of immediate note is the female of said Homo sapiens species is not, as you seem to have assumed, capable of mentally controlling the reproductive process under conditions including (as you put it) “legitimate rape.”

Pertaining to Future Mentions of “Legitimate Rape”

As MSS is also a female of said Homo sapiens species, MSS does not hesitate to recommend, dear Honorary Extraterrestrial and obviously a new visitor to this planet we call Earth, to keep your own counsel regarding this highly sensitive subject. To discuss the topic of “legitimate rape” openly and with members of Homo sapiens of either gender is to invite trouble and ridicule, as many will not recognize your newcomer status to our planet.

Please, let someone of authority know how long you plan to stay. Our leadership may want to discuss the ramifications.

Much love to each of you. Seriously. Maybe not so much the Honorary Extraterrestrial though. I’ll think about it.

Ann Coulter Out-Snarks MSS

Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter

I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard. Ann Coulter. (Twitter)

Followed swiftly by:

Screw them. Ann Coulter (New York Daily News)

Whether the “Screw them” is aimed at those requesting an apology for her politically-rude tweet or at the general reading public remains to be seen.

Let the Universe’s Ears Be Untainted by Coulter

Mizz Snarkity Snark puts this close encounter with irretrievable rudeness on Mizz Coulter’s part firmly into the stack of noise that the Universe should not have to hear at any point in the future, along with anything else Mizz Coulter should wish to say out loud.

However, the Universe needs to place a megaphone before the lips of Special Olympian John Franklin Stephens, whose open letter to Mizz Coulter had me wildly cheering, and let his factual and compassionate voice ring out unchecked.

The motto, “No Bullying,” prevents me from further commentary on this horrific honking. Mizz Coulter should dye her hair bright yellow and adopt a kinder, gentler outlook on life. It worked for Big Bird.

Although, there the resemblance ends rather suddenly. MSS apologizes for bringing it up, Big Bird.

Much love to each of you. Seriously. Fingers not crossed. Much.