Instagram Declares Open Season on Photography Forever

Instagram thief

 

Instagram thief

Selling your photos, squeezing your head, stealing your vacation, cooking class, and first attempts at making laundry soap.

“Shocking! Completely out of the blue!” declared nobody, anywhere.

Instagram: Give Me That Camera. Now.

Given the history of blink-and-miss-it policy changes by parent Facebook, Instagram announced today that it has claimed the right to sell your photos – and basically anything you’ve taken a picture of – unless you delete your account before the end of the year –  through the use of new Vanishing Point technology made famous by its very absence.

Recent closed beta experiments with the VP technology by Facebook have led to disappearing pages, posts, settings, lists and even (*gasp*) photos. How did we not see THIS coming? oh, wait, you can’t SEE it.

What? Your wallet disappeared? Your silver mixer stand vanished? Did you, by chance, take a photo of it and push it to Facebook or Instagram? HA.

For their acquisition of the rights to every photo ever taken since mankind first invented ways to make photos, thereby Grinching both the holiday season and the much-anticipated End of the World, Mizz Snarkity Snark awards Instagram with possibly the last ever “WTF Were You Thinking!?” award known to mankind.

Children everywhere, however, are relieved that Mommy and Daddy will not be taking candid shots while they unwrap presents and see that oversize green-orange-and-purple plaid sweater Aunt Judy knit – especially as Aunt Judy’s yarn shop will be standing in line to buy the negatives.

Instagram Sells First Pyramid Snapshots, circa 2583 BC, with Perpetual Rights

In a petulant display of “leave me alone, you big meanie,” Instagram turned media away at the door when reporters from CNET yelled, “Hey, what gives?” Shortly thereafter, a picture of their news van appeared on Instagram. Shortly after thereafter, the van … vanished.

Speculating bystanders wondered if this policy shift might be signal Facebook’s plans to acquire the Internet from social networking darling and we-try-harder search maven < G o o o o o o o o gle >.

There is Hope, but Not Much

If you delete your Instagram account after January 16, 2013,  iNstagram STILL has the right to sell your images “in perpetuity.” Just witness what they are doing with photos taken of the Great Pyramid of Giza during its initial construction in 2584 BC. Shameless exploitation of human rights, MSS believes, and one that should not go unshouted. And did they get permission from every single one of those workers? MSS thinks NOT.

Keep Calm and Carry a Big Eraser

Mizz Snarkity Snark is on the way out the door for her regularly scheduled high tea with the Great Margot, Queen of Western Oregon and The Distant States of Alaska Hawaii and Puerto Rico, but upon her return will be firmly deleting her Instagram account (if indeed she has one), her linen service, her faux fur storage service and all the faux in it, her chauffeur’s standing table at Brown Derby, and her shoe account at Gimbels. How dare they attempt to resell MSS’ shoes!

Alexei’s Russian Wolfhound grooming services will have to stay, however, as Winthrop, Pixie Princess, Duke Eversham and Boo are just now growing their winter coats. MSS would post a picture but… well, you know.

Much love to each of you. Stand tall, and don’t let anyone bully you into giving up your Brownie. Remember to laugh at the funny parts, and believe 1/25th of everything you hear.

Nebraska Teen Robs Bank, Brags on YouTube

Mizz Hannah brags
Mizz Hannah brags

Lookie-look what she found in that bank she just happened to rob and then brag about!
What? Not hers? Whatev …
She can do the splits!

Mizz Snarkity Snark wishes to congratulate Mizz Hannah Sabata, recently of Nebraska, for her dual win of MSS’ much-coveted “WTF Were You Thinking!?” award and a general Robbery-Gone-Awry Darwin Honorable Mention.

In late November 2012, Mizz Sabata robbed the Cornerstone Bank in Waco, Nebraska, hauling away $6,256 in a Pontiac Grand Am she had stolen in York, NB.

Rob ‘n Brag New Tactic

Mizz Sabata bragged that that day was the “best day of my life,” in the YouTube video where she also bragged about the robbery and car theft, waving the money she’d stolen for the camera.

According to York County Sheriff Dale Radcliff, all but $30 of the stolen funds has been recovered. Mizz Sabata’s YouTube ‘confession, ‘ scrawled on multiple pieces of plain paper and held up before the camera, may or may not have contributed to the timeliness of the arrest.

Mizz Snarkity Snark is not clear whether Mizz Sabata stole the car BEFORE robbing the bank, or robbed the bank BEFORE she stole the car. Questions of this nature can plague master detectives for decades.

Rob Bank or Play Dress-Up? Decisions Decisions!

All in all, MSS is grateful that this one-teen crime wave has been brought to a close, and that justice will be sought swiftly, through Mizz Sabata’s clever use of 21st Century technology.

 

Much love to each of you. If you have teens, Mizz Snarkity Snark wishes you well. Honest. Now, smile for the camera, sweetness, and… turn to your left.

Hostess Pulls Plug, Twinkies Deflate

twinkiemiester Gregory Rayburn announces bankruptcy of Hostess

Hostess’ fearless leader Gregory Rayburn confirmed in an exclusive Today Show interview on Nov. 16 that Twinkies will no longer last forever.

(Warning: Some made-up stuff follows)

Twinkie, Longer Lasting than Lunch Pails That Carried Them

Twinkies were a pillar of the Hostess Brand near the start of the equally decay-proof Great Depression. Many Twinkies baked in that era can be found on eBay in the Archaeological Finds section.

Twinkies came into the foodie spotlight in Schiller Park, IL, in 1930, when James Alexander Dewar, a baker for the Continental Baking Company, found himself stuck with several idle strawberry shortcake machines. The original banana-cream filled Twinkies were switched up to vanilla filling during World War II when bananas were rationed to appease striking monkeys.

The puffy cake-and-creamy-filling treat was soon endorsed and lauded by dentists everywhere, whose dreams for vacation homes and second yachts twinkled as consumers became dietary victims.

Twinkies gained fame as a legal twist named the Twinkie Defense. Dan White’s attorney, Herb Caen, claimed that depression altered White’s state of mind to the point where he ate junk food. This caused temporary insanity – and led to the killing of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Board of Supervisors member Harvey Milk in November, 1978.

Twinkie First “Food” To Receive Nearly Posthumous Award

Today it is not the monkeys striking, but the bakers. Preferring to switch rather than fight, Hostess decided to switch off the lights.

So it is with great sadness and not a few crocodile tears that Mizz Snarkity Snark presents Twinkie and its steward company Hostess the first ever “WTF Were You Thinking!?” Award to be bestowed upon something akin to food.

Much love to each of you. And best wishes recovering from the grief that is sure to follow, once the last Twinkie twinkles out of existence — in, oh, say 15,000 years or so.

Romney Admits It’s Possible Obama Could Win

A win announced as possible
A win announced as possible

Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney greets supporters during a campaign rally at the International Exhibition Center in Cleveland, Sunday Nov. 4, 2012.
(Credit: AP Photo/Jerome Delay)

Mizz Snarkity Snark brings you this late-breaking midnight snark snack courtsey of – wait for it (no, it’s not Romney) – Associated Press, who reported sometime earlier today in Cleveland that:

CLEVELAND (AP) — Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney says he may be defeated by President Barack Obama in Tuesday’s presidential contest, but it’s doubtful.

Speaking at an Ohio rally Sunday afternoon, Romney said that it’s possible, but not likely that Obama will win. He was responding to supporters who booed when he speculated on the consequences of an Obama second term.

There. A direct quote from the top of the article found trending on Yahoo a few minutes ago by MSS, who paused long enough to giggle before clipping it carefully for the bird cage lining stack — which is strange only insomuch as MSS does not have a bird.

Now, seeing as how this is merely a snark snack, MSS will not delay to overthink this win win reportage, except to note that the headline under which this was published on Yahoo reads:

Romney: ‘It’s possible’ Obama could win

Dear Associated Press: Are we having a Wishful Thinking moment? Have you not about the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy? Here were two chances to get the point across – one neutral to the cause, and one softly nudging the fact that Romney is not running unopposed, out in the sleepy eyes of a Daylight-savings-time redacted nation.

And you chose the not-neutral one.

For this, dear Associated Press, an institution I both respect and admire, you receive the much-vaunted, always desired “WTF Were You Thinking!?” Award for Sunday, Nov. 4.

MSS will be glad to have the award engraved – please specify if you wish it personalized to “Miss Associated” or to “Mr. Press.”

Much love to each of you. Every single sleep-deprived one of you. Seriously. And please forgive MSS’ lack of use and, forsooth, even understanding of the much-vaunted AP Style. MSS is writing this Gangnam Style.

 

Fashion People Dicks, Toronto Writer after Plus Size Show

One of the plus size styles from Allistyle at Toronto Fashion Week
One of the plus size styles from Allistyle at Toronto Fashion Week

One of several gorgeous plus size styles from Allistyle

Hold Mizz Snarkity Snark back before she leaps over several rows of audience members at a plus size fashion runway show and throttles the next person who snickers at a plus size model. How rude. How utterly stone thy soul, sir or madam. How dare you.

MSS refers to the Toronto Fashion Week incident observed by writer Kevin Naulls, who reported on Monday in the Toronto Standard that he heard an “outbreak of giggles” and that people were “rude, dismissive and even laughing at the models.”

Here, a direct quote from Mr Naulls:

No, the clothes weren’t couture, but the show was special. It was a platform for plus-size fashion in Canada, and it was an outlet for the designer Pam Shainhouse. Shainhouse started the company in 2006 because her daughter Alli was suffering from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma that made her weight fluctuate. Alli has since passed away, and her legacy lives on at Toronto Fashion Week. Except, for some of the front row at this packed show, it was a joke. One gentleman spent the entire show laughing and hiding his face from the photo pit with his line sheet, while others exchanged barbs privately and cackled audibly. Even four different people were overheard talking about how poorly the women walked because they were bigger women on high heels. Jesus. (read the rest of his article in Toronto Standard)

Though Naulls’ article was not entirely well-received — some commenters felt that he was tarring “all fashion people” with the same brush — MSS is grateful that Kevin put his observations in writing.

So a hearty thank you to Kevin Naulls, and a hearty stiletto to the instep of those who choose to denigrate fashion that is worn by possibly a majority of females over the age of 18, at least on this continent and possibly across the Atlantic as well – OR the models who model them – OR the people who buy and wear them.

Giggling at Plus Size Earns a WTF Award for “Anonymous

The November 1, 2012 “WTF Were You Thinking” Award goes to the giggling, laughing, face-hiding anonymous gentlemen referred to in Kevin’s article.

Much love to each of you – and to Kevin Naulls, and to each and any of you who stand up and object to rudeness. 

Team Romney Disaster Recovery a ‘Triumphal Performance’

stacks of storm relief
stacks of storm relief

Fake it ’til you make it?

Disaster recovery for the 21st Century has arrived.

Mizz Snarkity Snark hears that Massachusetts Governor and budding Event Planner Mitt Romney and his merry band of campaign promises staged a disaster recovery effort worthy of the finest performance of Swan Lake.

Since Team Romney felt it was too soon to put their boss man back in campaign mode, Mr MR got morphed into a disaster recovery specialist for a day or so.

Peek into Disaster Recovery Post-FEMA

MSS figures this is the Mitt’s FEMA replacement plan:

All political candidates on the campaign trail during a federal disaster will stop kissing babies immediately, will muster all troops to the nearest discount warehouse or big box store, buy a face-saving number of relief supplies, and stage them in such a way that motivational photo ops can be printed up and published.

State, local and national news crews and all available weather broadcasters are to be deployed everywhere for the duration to observe all relief events and act as repeaters and to drum up interest.

Meanwhile, local first responders unaffiliated with the former FEMA are free to do their best to actually render assistance to disaster victims and communities. When You Hear Hoofbeats, Watch Out for Excrement

In recognition of the unmistakeable odor of equine droppings, MSS reserves a special “WTF Were You Thinking” award for the entire Team Romney team. Go, Team.

MSS is rather sure she hears hoofbeats in the distance, not too far from the campaign trail.

Much love to each of you. Especially first-responders and hopefully not future former FEMA folk.

Bored Shoppers Thank American Apparel For Storm Sale

American Apparel and marketing savvy
American Apparel and marketing savvy

American Apparel flexes powerful marketing muscle to be right where the most bored shoppers are likely to be: The heart of Hurricane Sandy.

Mizz Snarkity Snark would like to thank retailer American Apparel for having the foresight to exploit the hardship experienced by a few million people as a result of Hurricane Sandy’s devastating arrival.

With heads-up thinking, this astute customer-oriented firm staged a perfectly timed “Hurricane Sandy Sale” for Monday night’s hellish superstorm attack on the Eastern Coast of these United States of America.

Well done, American Apparel. Way to stay on your toes!

American Apparel Fills a Dire Need: Where to Shop During a Storm!

MSS salutes the alert marketing minds that came up with the “In case you’re bored during the storm” campaign, offering a 20% sale for 36 hours to the very area of the country most likely to be bored with the storm – the Eastern Seaboard!

Such talent will come in handy for that marketing mind’s next employment opportunity, to be sure.

Mizz Snarkity Snark is struck dumb by this savvy display of presence of mind and backdates a specially issued “WTF Were You Thinking!?” award to Monday, Oct. 29, 2012. It’s the least she can do.

Marketing majors will be seeing this feat in case studies for years to come.

Oh… did you skip Rhode Island on purpose, or did this copy of the sale flyer get shredded by cyclone-force winds?

Much love to each of you – except, maybe, American Apparel (though they’ll need some love to replace their now-boycotting customer base).

Shame.

Kelsey Grammer Brings Infant to Playboy Halloween Bash

Kelsey Grammer

 

Kelsey Grammer  (Credit: U.S. Navy photo by Lithographer 3rd Class Christen R. Nicholas. Public domain)

Kelsey Grammer (Credit: U.S. Navy photo by Lithographer 3rd Class Christen R. Nicholas. Public domain)

TMZ reported Oct. 30 that Hugh Hefner’s Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion was graced by more than the normal consenting adults.

What a Great Idea, Hef – Trick or Treat Babies! I’ll Take Two.

Unable to find a “good babysitter,” Kelsey Grammer and wife Kayte brought three-month-old Faith along to the Playboy Mansion Halloween party, where they claim the infant slept in the VIP area until the Grammers departed sometime after midnight.

You may know Kelsey Grammer’s name from his star turns in TV comedies such as Cheers, Wings and Frasier, and as the voice of Sideshow Bob on The Simpsons.

Mr. Grammer has had four Mrs. Grammers, and has five children – none of whom had previously attended a Playboy Mansion party while under the age of one (so far as Mizz Snarkity Snark is able to determine).

First prize for the “WTF Were You Thinking!?” award for Oct 30, 2012 goes to Kelsey Grammer and the current missus.

The world is round. All our eyes are blue. Happy Halloween and Cock-a-doodle-doo! Grammer, at the end of his TMZ statement.

No, MSS doesn’t know what that means. MSS is beating her head against her desk in complete and utter disbelief.
Much love to each of you. But don’t ever let me hear of you pulling a stunt like this with a baby. EVAH.