Mayan Doomsday Calendar Wrong, World Ended April 15 2012

coffee for maya, not angelou
coffee for maya, not angelou

I’ll have…
One for my baby, and one more…
For the road.

World End Revealed to be April 15, 2012

The date scheduled for the world end has been recalculated yet again, this time possibly by rocket scientists who should know how to do these things.

An Anonymous Source told this reporter yesterday that, as recently as two nights ago, he has repeatedly found overwhelming evidence of the new world end date  in several of his coworkers’ offices. “April 15 were circled in red on lots of different calendars, and every April 16th was missing. I just knowed something was up!”

In the words of a NASASA janitor sanitation engineer who asked to remain anonymous, the world end event happened on April 15 earlier this year.

“It were pretty awesome,” stated Joe Smit… Anonymous Source. “There was a loud bang out in the parking lot thar near the south exit, and then shiny stuff just were flying everywhere.”

When asked by this reporter whether it might have been the filming of a GLEE episode or an auto accident, Anonymous shook his head. “I know both them things. Watched Glee for years. T’weren’t no slurpee attack. Just awesome.” MSS resisted grammar lessons, attributing the lapse to extreme stress.

World End Party Invitations in Fire Sale Bins Everywhere

Within minutes of the news of the world end rescheduling, dozens of websites felt the impact as disgruntled shoppers cancelled invitation cards and party trays.  MSS cautions Doomsday Preppers to hold off grabbing that last vanload of Charmin, at least until confirmation is obtained.

Has your world end party been cancelled? Send any pesky leftover bottles of champagne to Mizz Snarkity Snark, who will keep them safe for you. Honest. No, really.

Mizz Snarkity Snark predicts that many world end parties are destined to be doomed by more than a mere low-atmospheric explosion, and are going to fall flat, as much fun as being stuck in a small room with an aging cat with bad flatulence.

Millions of Credit Scores Drop

An estimated 244 million naive souls have hoarded vacation days for a few years, maxed out their credit cards, and taken out second and third mortgages on their house, laboring under the delusion that since the world is ending they won’t have to pay the funds back.

World End Contingency Plans

If the world end does not come off as originally scheduled, Mizz Snarkity Snark suggests you develop a conservative Plan B which does not involve rioting, looting, raucous partying and other unsavory behavior. There will be plenty of time for that on New Years Eve, ten days after the purported Mayan Doomsday Long-Count Calendar cutoff. Assuming there’s power.

Much love to each of you. Use your brains, dearest dahlings. They’re for more than keeping our ears from flapping together.