Howard the Stern Out-Snarks Mizz Snarkity Snark

Howard Allan Stern, Snarkmeister

Howard Stern, Master of Le Snark, has found his new playground, his deck of jokers, his raison d’etre, his — well, you decide.

Howard Allan Stern, Snarkmeister

The Snarkmeister hizself, Mr Howard Allan Stern, turns to take another chomp out of the audience during elimination rounds. “Best tasting audience EVER.” (Photo: 2012 Episode 20 Quarter-Finals, broadcast by NBC.)

Wandering the hallowed halls of YouTube, Mizz Snarkity Snark found a stack of America’s Got Talent episodes just barely beginning to curl at the edges. Being drawn to exhibitions of talent like a magpie to a pocket full of lint-encrusted breath mints, MSS was compelled to settle in and watch a few.

AGT Archives Snark in a Can

Imagine her joy when she discovered that this stack of episodes dates back to when radio snarkmeister Howard Stern joined AGT as judge — O happy happy joy joy! As television broadcasts of this century have the lifespan of a mayfly, these could be days, weeks or even MONTHS old.

MSS settled down for an evening of reminiscence, episode after episode unfurling in wobbly smartphone video with Grandpa Morty snoring two-part harmony in the background.

Auditions in cities across these United States of America overflow with fresh victims, many of whom are not quite sure what radio IS, who are tossed before Radio’s famous Tall One as popcorn before a giant pigeon, snacks to appease His Snarkiness.

He Likes It. He Really Likes It!

Once auditions got out of the way and the lineup was in the bag, Stern spent most of his on-camera time being angry, being bored, being bored with being angry, or being angry at being bored. Imagine MSS’ shock, therefore, when Stern opens an episode of AGT quarter-finals with the phrase, “I imagine this could be our best show yet.”

WHAT?! Did Howard the Stern just admit that he enjoyed something?

Was that a smile? or was he just opening his considerable jaws to devour another contestant? On those rare occasions when he unwinds his 6’5″ self and rises at the end of an act, is he standing to get a better bite?

Mizz Snarkity Snark enjoys a good snark as much as the next ego-inflated not-much-of-a-celebrity of the Interwebs, mind you. But MSS winces to watch an overly stern Stern wielding his patented Snark Smackdown on a six-year-old who just wants to tap-dance and make Mommy smile.

AGT’s Future: Snark Tank or Back in Bland?

Has Howard Allan Stern’s well-honed snark attack has improved AGT? Has this AGT season set the tone for the future of this national pastime of embarrassing reality shows? Better yet, will every reality show now get its own snark specialist?

Number 34. Stop. You run like a girl. I have chickens in my front yard run better than you. No, I DON’T care that you ARE a girl. Get off my stage now. (This is not an actual quote. Don’t sue MSS. Thanks.)

Or is it time for Stern to take his considerable wealth to Shark Tank and sit next to the considerable wealth of Mark Cuban, where he can dine on more entrepreneurial fare?

Or maybe he could produce his own reality show. It worked for The Donald. Or —better!— his own network. Howard’s End. The logo can be the impaled head of an reality show contestant. But MSS digresses.

Your opinions on this matter will have as much weight as Mizz Snarkity Snark’s and will be listened to just as intently at AGT’s management level. Besides, MSS (who is not Mizz Sharon Osbourne in disguise) would absolutely LOVE to hear what you think!

Much love to each of you, even as Uncle Howie takes a bite out of your talented self.