Far Too Much News, Saturday Edition – 24 November 2012

New York Snark masthead
New York Snark masthead

All the news that’s fit to print, and some that really isn’t but we’ll print it anyway.

Warning: News. More warning: Serious snark in response to news.

Mizz Snarkity Snark senses that you are just not upset enough about news in general these days. Therefore, MSS has decided to publish a news capsule covering the week in hindsight — because publishing a news capsule to cover the week in advance is not particularly productive. So without further ado:

All the Interesting Weekly News in Retrospect (& Other News)

Elderly Oceanside CA man accused of killing wife and cooking her body parts. Wife’s head found in freezer. (laist.com, 11/23/12)

In other news: Auditions are being held nationwide for Extreme Makeover: Walking Dead, merging horror with cutting edge reality series. Ty Pennington reps no comment.

Gas rationing slated to end in New York City. Rationing system put in place to try to ease enormous lines at gas stations that did have gas. (The New York Times, 11/23/12)

In other news: Encouraged by gas rationing success, Mayor Bloomberg considers other rationing, based on odd-even birthdays. In discussion: coffee, taxicabs, dog walking.

Walmart workers protest wages, benefits on Black Friday; stage walkouts (CBS News, 11/23/12)

In other news: Lime green shirts disdained in clash with brand colors, cites eyestrain, fatigue, visits from fashion police.

New Zealand wants a Hollywood put on its map.  (The New York Times, 11/23/12)

In other news: On hearing NZ demands, Madagascar cheers for itself in animation three-peat; requests Hollywood t-shirts, personalized beer mugs.

Woman drives 100 MPH in 30 MPH zone after God tells her to. (Huffington Post, 11/21/12).

In other news: shortly thereafter, God tells Ft. Pierce FL police officers to arrest reckless horn-honking female driver. 

Cost of Seceding from the United States [high] (Huffington Post, 11/20/12)

In other news: FEMA to NJ Gov Christie, “FEMA? What FEMA? You guys seceded, didn’t you?” Elsewhere, Fed to NY Gov Cuomo, “$30 billion in federal disaster aid? What federal? You guys seceded, didn’t you?”

Much love to each of you. Remember, news is old before you hear about it. Don’t let it steamroller you.

FEMA Costs Money, States Captain Obvious

no FEMA for this one
no FEMA for this one

The Great Earthquake at New Madrid, a 19th-century woodcut from Devens’ Our First Century (1877)

Mizz Snarkity Snark has overheard from Captain Obvious that it is time to pay the FEMA piper for the dance Mizz Sandy attended last week on the Eastern Seaboard.

It’s called Disaster Preparedness for a reason. We need to be Prepared for Disasters, up to and including replays of the Great Flood.

Funds are supposed to come in from the Federal budget to keep that bucket from running dry, no? The Federal gummint gets all pissy when MSS doesn’t send in HER share to the bucket on time, that’s for sure. So MSS feels like the Federal gummint should hold up at least part of its end of the deal.

Now, however, the day before the Presidential Election in these United States of Still-Swimming Out of Disaster, our beloved Texas-sized Congressman Ron Paul (this week’s holder of the Captain Obvious scepter and wand) announces how much FEMA assistance is going to set back Americans in terms of the impact to inflation by that FEMA assistance.

Warning: Fiscal Double-Talk Ahead

Now, it’s only going to cost somewhere between $20 and, let’s say, $100 billion. Yes, that’s a B. Billion. Not a T, Trillion, or we’d be in all sorts of trouble.

Soon we are going to have to have a new currency word. Trillion is already losing some of its shock ‘n awe flavor. Quadrillion doesn’t feel like it needs to seem real yet, though it could be close and who’d tell us, mm? Tribbillion sounds like a bad Star Trek episode. Which means, of course, that Spocktillion is right out.

Mizz Snarkity Snark would like each of you to resist shouting at the top of your lungs, “SAY WHAT!?”

Much love to each of you. Much more was said but evaporated into the ether that is the Interwebs.