Secede? Welladay! (which means Woe, sorrow, regret, disbelief, originating from Middle English wei la wei or “woe! lo! woe!)
This afternoon, Mizz Snarkity Snark reads that nearly a quarter of the United States has a resident ticked off enough to generate a petition to take their state out of the Union.
Do pardon while MSS faints from shock. (What was that punctuation mark they proposed for sarcasm?)
In the space of a week, we can watch the United States of America go from being a combination of red states and blue states to red states, blue states and golden states – Golden Parachute?
What if All States Secede?
What happens when a state hits the required 25,000 signatures to get their petition considered seems obvious. The petition gets considered.
But what happens when 50 states get petitions in place, reach 25,000 signatures and get their petitions considered? Eh? Does the whole place turn into a jigsaw puzzle? Do we annex Washington State to British Columbia — and does legal marijuana go with the deal?
When Montana secedes, does it split in half vertically and join Alberta and Saskatchewan, forming Moerta and Saskatanatatana? And do they magically become Canadian and eligible for nationalized healthcare that works?
We’ve always known Texas wanted to secede. They’ve made it clear every time a non-Texan moves into the White House.
California would probably go back to Mexico, along with Arizona and New Mexico. North of that would all join hands and become Deseret. We still have the blueprint somewhere.
A brief reminder to my California neighbors: This Is Humor. Put down that pitchfork and stop torching my dead tomato plants. You’re scaring the cats. Thanks.
But What About the Children!?
Larger states with already near-bankrupt economies may feel better when they secede. Texas economy is rumored to be the 15th largest in the world. They’ll get by. They could probably just buy Oklahoma and the northeastern area of Mexico, Louisiana maybe, and be set for square footage. A second Louisiana Purchase, as it were.
But what about the smaller states crammed all up against each other on the Eastern Seaboard? You know, the ones small enough that mapmakers use arrows to their borders since they can’t fit the initials into such a small space. NH,RI,CT,NJ,DE,MD! Wagon-riding folks must have decided as they moved west that the next state they’d settle in would have some ROOM.
Future Seceded State Complications
Will we need passports to go to the Great Nation of Nevada and its cash cow, Las Vegas? Will the new nation of New York make the new nation of Nevada remove the New York New York casino? Does the term “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” refer to revenue now?
Sorry, sir. Our records show that on entering the Nation of Nevada, you had $2057 in cash and plastic assets. You won $800 at El Presidente Casa de Fun, and you owe Nevada $750 in national income taxes on those winnings. We can’t let you leave the country until your national income tax is paid. Yes, we have extradition arrangements with Idaho.
Who gets the National Parks when the state leaves the nation? Do Montana and Wyoming arm-wrestle over Yellowstone?
What about bridges across waterways like Mississippi. The Potomac? The Hudson? Exactly how does this work now? If you live in Missouri and work in Illinois, has your job been outsourced?
West Virginia starts a trade embargo with Virginia and Kentucky, upholding the terms of a generations-old feud between two families. Surprise.
New Hampshire and Vermont collaborate on maple syrup prices, crippling the region’s exports. Maine joins in, then Massatoothetts, followed by Connecticut and Rhode Island, forming the New Nation of New England. Rumor is PEI, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick are considering the kind offer to join.
Deja Vu All Over Again, Again
Across the Atlantic, the leader of a relatively small island comes as close to grinning as Her Majesty does, and whispers to herself, “Only took 236 years, George III, but you were right. They’re shattering right on schedule.” (That’s pronounced SHED-yule. You’ll get used to it.)
Welladay, bickering children. Welladay.
By the by, Britain was a republic also. From 1649 to 1660. Then they got a clue and went back to being a monarchy. It only took them eleven years.
So far on the list at https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petitions
- New Jersey
- New York
- North Carolina
- North Dakota
- South Carolina
Much love to each of you. Miss you, Andy Rooney. You’d have a field day with this one, old son.