Hostess Pulls Plug, Twinkies Deflate

Hostess’ fearless leader Gregory Rayburn confirmed in an exclusive Today Show interview on Nov. 16 that Twinkies will no longer last forever.

(Warning: Some made-up stuff follows)

Twinkie, Longer Lasting than Lunch Pails That Carried Them

Twinkies were a pillar of the Hostess Brand near the start of the equally decay-proof Great Depression. Many Twinkies baked in that era can be found on eBay in the Archaeological Finds section.

Twinkies came into the foodie spotlight in Schiller Park, IL, in 1930, when James Alexander Dewar, a baker for the Continental Baking Company, found himself stuck with several idle strawberry shortcake machines. The original banana-cream filled Twinkies were switched up to vanilla filling during World War II when bananas were rationed to appease striking monkeys.

The puffy cake-and-creamy-filling treat was soon endorsed and lauded by dentists everywhere, whose dreams for vacation homes and second yachts twinkled as consumers became dietary victims.

Twinkies gained fame as a legal twist named the Twinkie Defense. Dan White’s attorney, Herb Caen, claimed that depression altered White’s state of mind to the point where he ate junk food. This caused temporary insanity – and led to the killing of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Board of Supervisors member Harvey Milk in November, 1978.

Twinkie First “Food” To Receive Nearly Posthumous Award

Today it is not the monkeys striking, but the bakers. Preferring to switch rather than fight, Hostess decided to switch off the lights.

So it is with great sadness and not a few crocodile tears that Mizz Snarkity Snark presents Twinkie and its steward company Hostess the first ever “WTF Were You Thinking!?” Award to be bestowed upon something akin to food.

Much love to each of you. And best wishes recovering from the grief that is sure to follow, once the last Twinkie twinkles out of existence — in, oh, say 15,000 years or so.

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